-Poor and Dream-

Its Thursday. Meaning come 4:00 a.m. Monday morning, I'm gonna be on my way to Illinois. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I know afterwards I'll probably be like Oh it was awesome and consider going back. But right now, the only things I can think about are how I'm gonna be by myself and have to meet a lot of new people. Or how I dont wanna get stuck in a class where I'm not gonna get anything out of it. Or how I have to be away from Andy for a week. But I guess if you really think about it, its better than being home. Because either way, Im gonna be away from him and its better that I keep myself occupied. I really dont know why Im stressing about this so much. It might be because I dont like spinning rifle or because Im so out of shape. Maybe its just because its out of my comfort zone. Blah.

My mom talked to me yesterday about money shit. It fucking sucks. And I hate how people are always like blah blah Im so poor when they have 2 parents supporting them and only one or no siblings. You can come to me and complain about being poor when you've resorted to medicaid, and have had food stamps just to go grocery shopping. Or maybe when you've had your phone or gas shut off. Or maybe when their brother is too lazyt o pay for his own shit or to get a job. Theres no way Im gonna be able to get a job like I want because of guard and because of my mom wanting to work nights again and keep Lena from day care because it costs too much. I dont know why I care so much. Even if I do get a job, its not worth getting my license because Im never gonna get a car. Its not worth saving money because Im going to be too poor to go to college. I really, really dont want to be in debt the rest of my life.

I had a dream last night that Andy smoked. And I cried in my dream. For a really long time. Why would that upset me so much? I was thinking yesterday about how I dont know if I can find anyone better than Andy. Its not that Im looking, it just seems like one of the reasons Im so highly attracted to him is because he has a personality a lot like my dads. And I dont know if I want any different than that. I dont know if I can handle andy and Jason together any more. They make me so mad. But when its just me and andy..I wish people saw that side of him really bad. Because I can guaruntee there would be quite a few people who would not think of him like they do. But no, he changes around everyone and their mother. We were just sitting at his house last night, talking every once in a while, but mostly thinking I do believe. And I honestly dont know what Im gonna do without talking to him for a week. That's gonna break a six month thing. Thats a long time.

I dont know what I would do without him

I need to go eat breakfast and was clothes and spin and stretch. =(